Learning to be positive and following your dreams...

If I had to pinpoint the moment in my life when I became a “negative person,” I would probably have to say my teenage years. I mean, who isn’t a bit negative as a teenager? Seems to be part of that whole hormonal transition, but I think the negativity stuck with me. Not in an obvious, surface level way but more through self-doubt. I would always assume the worse, would always consider myself not capable even when there was evidence contrary to that, and even when good things did happen or I achieved something miraculous, I would always be fearing that there would be something lurking around the corner to take all of it away, or at least, make the whole achievement something I am not worthy of or something I do not truly deserve. I know a lot of people feel this way, but I started to find that as I got older, and perhaps more comfortable in my life, I was letting self-doubt and this lack of belief in myself, restrict me from aiming for all of the things I truly wanted.

I think I have mentioned this in previous blog posts, but at literally any point in my life, if someone asked me what my biggest dream was, the answer was always to be a writer- and still is. Yet, never in my life did I set aside the time to write seriously. It was that self-doubt again. If I started to write, I already felt like a failure. Becoming a writer is like becoming a model, actor, singer etc- near impossible and only for those special few who have connections or whatever. What I needed was a mindset shift. I needed to perceive writing in a different way, not the glamorised J.K Rowling kind of way I had grown up with. If I wrote a book, even if nobody read it at all, I was still a writer. I have written and created something. I have achieved something. And I needed to believe I was capable of doing that.

I have never been one to read books about developing yourself. I am much more of a fiction fan. I would prefer to escape to other worlds than face the reality of my own. But, last Christmas, I decided to pick out a few of these books and see if there was actually anything useful in helping me believe in myself a bit more. The majority of things I read I knew wouldn’t work for me (or is that the negativity talking again?) but I took on a few tips and a few ideas and decided to give them a go. One thing that has helped me massively is vision boards. I have made vision boards in the past without really considering them as “vision boards,” and without really thinking about what they mean. I made one for my interview as Director of English and managed to secure the position at the age of 25 and having only been a teacher for less than 3 years. That is a massive achievement, yet at the time, I don’t think I even truly saw it that way as, yet again, self-doubt and those negative thoughts ate away at me.

After reading about vision boards, I decided to make one for everything I would love (no matter how insignificant or wild) to achieve in the next 3 months to 20 years. It was really interesting to find myself adding things that I didn’t even realise I wanted, but up there as one of my main goals was becoming a writer within the next five years. In fact, having all of my aspirations laid out there in front of me really made a difference to how I thought about them. It was almost as if, because I could see them, they seemed more within my grasp and potentially possible one day, and it actually gave me the motivation I needed to start thinking about those small steps needed to get there.

I made my vision board in January and I had written my book by March. It was as if I needed something like this, a change in mindset, to just give me a little push to actually knuckle down and just do it. I then did something that I never thought I would have the courage to do in a million years and shared my work with others, even going as far as querying some agents with what I had created. To send my book to agent meant I had to believe in myself. This was a big deal. Something I had also dreamt of but hadn’t envisioned myself doing either at all or (when I created my vision board) for at least 5 more years. It felt good to be brave, and the feeling I had yesterday when an agency actually requested my full manuscript was one I hadn’t felt in such a long time. I finally felt positive about myself. And although I still have those realistic and grounding thoughts, such as there may be nothing that even comes from them reading my full manuscript, I am remaining positive because at least my writing is good enough that a professional has taken interest in it- and that makes me feel good and believe in myself just that little bit more. 😊