The Newborn Bubble

I am notorious for underestimating things- which surprises me as I am such a worrier! I always acknowledge what people say when they say something is hard- of course it will be, but I never quite realise exactly how hard it will be.

Everyone said teaching is really hard, yet I had no real idea when I embarked on my PGCE training course. Surprisingly, it hasn’t put me off and I have now been teaching for 10 years.

Everyone said puppies are really hard and I must have had some idea as knew it was best to time getting Toby with the summer holidays so I had more time to devote to him- but oh my god, when we got him, he was a such a whirlwind of trouble (although being in my first trimester with pretty bad morning sickness may have contributed to how tough it was).

And despite most people obviously trying to subtly tell me having a newborn is tough, I nodded and thought ‘of course it will be,’ but nothing at all can prepare you for taking that little bundle home, no midwives, just me, James and this tiny, delicate thing and thinking I now have full responsibility of raising this little human being- as if that wasn’t something I had even thought of before!

I don’t think anyone is truly prepared for how surreal that is. It is amazing and exciting but so, so scary. I suddenly felt entirely clueless, clumsy…unworthy, even.

Just holding him was a massive feat. Am I supporting his head enough? Can he breathe ok with how I have him? I’m not hurting him, am I?

Then comes the first time changing a nappy which was the smallest size and still gigantic on him. Teddy pooping the sticky tar poo just as I was in the middle of changing. Thinking I guess having poop, pee or sick on me is just going to be daily thing now- it most certainly is! Clumsily, sticking the tabs down, avoiding the umbilical cord, wondering if I have done it right. Awkwardly trying to manoeuvre each little limb into an oversized baby gro.

That first night, despite the exhaustion and fatigue from labour, I hardly slept. Have I put him to bed safely enough? What does that noise mean? Why does he make so many noises?  Is he hungry? He is moving around a lot, is he uncomfortable? Is he breathing? Now he is too still…

No-one told us he would be coughing up a ton of mucus left over from birth either, so we found ourselves frantically calling labour ward in the early hours in the morning only to be told that is perfectly normal.

Then came the night after night being a knock-on effect of no sleep as I wake for feeding and cuddling and Teddy quickly gets used to the idea that he much prefers sleeping on us than in his crib.

Struggling with breastfeeding (a whole other story) and feeling like I have failed him. Mixed messages and pressure to use formula. Wanting to stay strong and stick to my gut feeling that I can do this and will do this. Eventually getting the right kind of support and it finally clicking for both me and him.

Those long-quick, blurry days bleeding into nights where I would just hold him and look at his tiny features, listen to his tiny breaths, watching his eyelids flicker as he dreams and hardly daring to believe it is real… he is ours.

The grandparents came to see Teddy the day after he was born but then we had over a week where it was just the three of us. I am particularly glad of this time as I needed the space to work out the breastfeeding and when I was finally left alone by the professionals to just try it, it meant we could have those quiet days, the skin on skin, the days where we didn’t even get out of bed, the moments  I could just take him in- even though I still wish I could have so much more of that time. You always hear that the newborn phase goes so quickly. I wish I had spent less time worrying about things and more time just indulging in him. I wish I hadn’t felt this random need to return to normality so quickly and take him to see people or out to places. I now wish I had spent more time devoted to newborn cuddles because nothing quite beats a newborn cuddle. It feels like forever in the moment but really no time at all, and even though each new stage with my little boy is so exciting, I desperately miss him being that tiny and new.

Top 5 books to read when pregnant

 DISCLAIMER: I have always been a book worm and love to research and learn about new things so naturally, I gravitated towards pregnancy books, however I know that this style of learning isn’t for everyone and obviously nothing can truly 100% prepare you for the unknown of childbirth and raising your baby.

1.      Hypnobirthing: Practical Ways to Make Your Birth Better by Siobhan Miller

Has to take number one spot as it was my number one support during labour. I had heard people mention hypnobirthing before but assumed (as I think a lot of people do) it had something to do with hypnosis or was more for people who are into tarot and horoscopes and things like that- which I can be quite sceptical of.  Therefore, to be honest, I did purchase this book with some scepticism, however at the same time wanted to be open to all modes of childbirth and pain relief so I could make the best informed decision (as I really didn’t have a clue at all). The way the book is styled and written meant it was really easy to dip into it after a long, hard day at work and not feel like it was information overload. And almost as soon as I started reading, it totally made sense. I had gotten hypnobirthing entirely wrong. I forget how powerful the mind can be, particularly when it comes to pain, so it totally makes sense to mentally prepare (as well as physically) prepare yourself for birth as they both work hand in hand. I had always been quite frightened of the idea of childbirth pre-pregnancy (my only knowledge of it coming from dramatized shows and movies which definitely didn’t help at all) but when it came to actually giving birth (even knowing Teddy was breech and the potential risks surrounding a VBB) I felt that what I learnt from this book really helped to relax me, made me feel confident and capable, and meant I was able to give birth to Teddy without any pain relief. I made James read it as well and it felt wonderful to know he was on the same page as me. He even recorded some of the hypnobirthing tracks and affirmations for me (which are at the back of the book) so I could listen to them in the weeks leading up to Teddy’s due date.

2.      What to expect when you’re expecting by Heidi Murkoff

This book has a whole wealth of information and is broken down into months and trimesters so I felt like I could dip in and out of it as and when needed. I found it particularly exciting to read in the early months when not much is happening on the outside (despite a whole load of morning (all day) sickness) to read all of the wonderful things which are happening on the inside. I also found it useful for when anything cropped up during pregnancy that I did not know anything about or was unprepared for- I could use the index to find the information about most things. For example, I had no idea I was rhesus negative and what that meant regarding anti d injections, etc, and felt that I received very little information from the midwife I had at the time about it. I was really glad to find information in this book about it. It also had a page of ideas and strategies to help turn the baby if they aren’t in the ideal position which I used when I discovered Teddy was breech.

3.      Dogs, Bumps and Babies: Preparing your Dog for Life with your Baby by Aileen Stevenson

I found this book really useful in preparing Toby for Teddy’s arrival. This was crucial as I knew Toby was going to be very much still in puppy then adolescent mode whilst Teddy was still small. There are some excellent suggestions in this book which I think really helped. For example, playing baby crying sounds- starting off quiet and gradually building to louder and rewarding Toby for ignoring the sound has meant that from the very beginning he was not fazed by Teddy’s crying. Also playing baby sounds on my phone when wearing the sling/ in the baby carrier/ moses basket, etc and rewarding Toby for ignoring these objects meant that he was not interested in them at all. Taking Toby on walks with the pram before Teddy was born meant he got used to it really quickly. Those are just a few insights from the book that I found really useful, but there were plenty more.

4.      The Modern Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond by Marie Louise

Has some really good tips for the third trimester and preparing for birth (i.e. things like massaging your perineum to avoid tearing- the sort of stuff that no one really mentions or tells you about but can make a huge difference!).

5.      The Positive Breastfeeding Book by Amy Brown

Obviously this book is mainly useful if you do intend to breastfeed. This was my bible to all things breastfeeding pre-Teddy and during those first few months. Of course (and I quickly discovered this) you cannot learn how to breastfeed from a book. I read at least 4 books on breastfeeding, analysed the pictures, watched videos and I still really, really struggled the first few weeks. I just could not get it to the point where it was incredibly stressful and upsetting and Teddy actually lost a lot of weight in the first week- however, I feel this book is written in such a supportive way that even when I was finding it really, really, really tough and was just about to give up, I would read the section with advice on what to do if things are hard and it would really inspire and encourage me to carry on. I have now been exclusively breastfeeding Teddy for 8 months. There is also a list for partners in this book which gives them tons of ideas on how they can support their breastfeeding partner and make the experience somewhat easier. This is the best book I read on breastfeeding by far.

So that is my summary of the five books I found most helpful whilst I was pregnant with Teddy and I hope, if anyone reading this is looking for recommendations, that they find them useful too 😊