The Newborn Bubble

I am notorious for underestimating things- which surprises me as I am such a worrier! I always acknowledge what people say when they say something is hard- of course it will be, but I never quite realise exactly how hard it will be.

Everyone said teaching is really hard, yet I had no real idea when I embarked on my PGCE training course. Surprisingly, it hasn’t put me off and I have now been teaching for 10 years.

Everyone said puppies are really hard and I must have had some idea as knew it was best to time getting Toby with the summer holidays so I had more time to devote to him- but oh my god, when we got him, he was a such a whirlwind of trouble (although being in my first trimester with pretty bad morning sickness may have contributed to how tough it was).

And despite most people obviously trying to subtly tell me having a newborn is tough, I nodded and thought ‘of course it will be,’ but nothing at all can prepare you for taking that little bundle home, no midwives, just me, James and this tiny, delicate thing and thinking I now have full responsibility of raising this little human being- as if that wasn’t something I had even thought of before!

I don’t think anyone is truly prepared for how surreal that is. It is amazing and exciting but so, so scary. I suddenly felt entirely clueless, clumsy…unworthy, even.

Just holding him was a massive feat. Am I supporting his head enough? Can he breathe ok with how I have him? I’m not hurting him, am I?

Then comes the first time changing a nappy which was the smallest size and still gigantic on him. Teddy pooping the sticky tar poo just as I was in the middle of changing. Thinking I guess having poop, pee or sick on me is just going to be daily thing now- it most certainly is! Clumsily, sticking the tabs down, avoiding the umbilical cord, wondering if I have done it right. Awkwardly trying to manoeuvre each little limb into an oversized baby gro.

That first night, despite the exhaustion and fatigue from labour, I hardly slept. Have I put him to bed safely enough? What does that noise mean? Why does he make so many noises?  Is he hungry? He is moving around a lot, is he uncomfortable? Is he breathing? Now he is too still…

No-one told us he would be coughing up a ton of mucus left over from birth either, so we found ourselves frantically calling labour ward in the early hours in the morning only to be told that is perfectly normal.

Then came the night after night being a knock-on effect of no sleep as I wake for feeding and cuddling and Teddy quickly gets used to the idea that he much prefers sleeping on us than in his crib.

Struggling with breastfeeding (a whole other story) and feeling like I have failed him. Mixed messages and pressure to use formula. Wanting to stay strong and stick to my gut feeling that I can do this and will do this. Eventually getting the right kind of support and it finally clicking for both me and him.

Those long-quick, blurry days bleeding into nights where I would just hold him and look at his tiny features, listen to his tiny breaths, watching his eyelids flicker as he dreams and hardly daring to believe it is real… he is ours.

The grandparents came to see Teddy the day after he was born but then we had over a week where it was just the three of us. I am particularly glad of this time as I needed the space to work out the breastfeeding and when I was finally left alone by the professionals to just try it, it meant we could have those quiet days, the skin on skin, the days where we didn’t even get out of bed, the moments  I could just take him in- even though I still wish I could have so much more of that time. You always hear that the newborn phase goes so quickly. I wish I had spent less time worrying about things and more time just indulging in him. I wish I hadn’t felt this random need to return to normality so quickly and take him to see people or out to places. I now wish I had spent more time devoted to newborn cuddles because nothing quite beats a newborn cuddle. It feels like forever in the moment but really no time at all, and even though each new stage with my little boy is so exciting, I desperately miss him being that tiny and new.