The Newborn Bubble

I am notorious for underestimating things- which surprises me as I am such a worrier! I always acknowledge what people say when they say something is hard- of course it will be, but I never quite realise exactly how hard it will be.

Everyone said teaching is really hard, yet I had no real idea when I embarked on my PGCE training course. Surprisingly, it hasn’t put me off and I have now been teaching for 10 years.

Everyone said puppies are really hard and I must have had some idea as knew it was best to time getting Toby with the summer holidays so I had more time to devote to him- but oh my god, when we got him, he was a such a whirlwind of trouble (although being in my first trimester with pretty bad morning sickness may have contributed to how tough it was).

And despite most people obviously trying to subtly tell me having a newborn is tough, I nodded and thought ‘of course it will be,’ but nothing at all can prepare you for taking that little bundle home, no midwives, just me, James and this tiny, delicate thing and thinking I now have full responsibility of raising this little human being- as if that wasn’t something I had even thought of before!

I don’t think anyone is truly prepared for how surreal that is. It is amazing and exciting but so, so scary. I suddenly felt entirely clueless, clumsy…unworthy, even.

Just holding him was a massive feat. Am I supporting his head enough? Can he breathe ok with how I have him? I’m not hurting him, am I?

Then comes the first time changing a nappy which was the smallest size and still gigantic on him. Teddy pooping the sticky tar poo just as I was in the middle of changing. Thinking I guess having poop, pee or sick on me is just going to be daily thing now- it most certainly is! Clumsily, sticking the tabs down, avoiding the umbilical cord, wondering if I have done it right. Awkwardly trying to manoeuvre each little limb into an oversized baby gro.

That first night, despite the exhaustion and fatigue from labour, I hardly slept. Have I put him to bed safely enough? What does that noise mean? Why does he make so many noises?  Is he hungry? He is moving around a lot, is he uncomfortable? Is he breathing? Now he is too still…

No-one told us he would be coughing up a ton of mucus left over from birth either, so we found ourselves frantically calling labour ward in the early hours in the morning only to be told that is perfectly normal.

Then came the night after night being a knock-on effect of no sleep as I wake for feeding and cuddling and Teddy quickly gets used to the idea that he much prefers sleeping on us than in his crib.

Struggling with breastfeeding (a whole other story) and feeling like I have failed him. Mixed messages and pressure to use formula. Wanting to stay strong and stick to my gut feeling that I can do this and will do this. Eventually getting the right kind of support and it finally clicking for both me and him.

Those long-quick, blurry days bleeding into nights where I would just hold him and look at his tiny features, listen to his tiny breaths, watching his eyelids flicker as he dreams and hardly daring to believe it is real… he is ours.

The grandparents came to see Teddy the day after he was born but then we had over a week where it was just the three of us. I am particularly glad of this time as I needed the space to work out the breastfeeding and when I was finally left alone by the professionals to just try it, it meant we could have those quiet days, the skin on skin, the days where we didn’t even get out of bed, the moments  I could just take him in- even though I still wish I could have so much more of that time. You always hear that the newborn phase goes so quickly. I wish I had spent less time worrying about things and more time just indulging in him. I wish I hadn’t felt this random need to return to normality so quickly and take him to see people or out to places. I now wish I had spent more time devoted to newborn cuddles because nothing quite beats a newborn cuddle. It feels like forever in the moment but really no time at all, and even though each new stage with my little boy is so exciting, I desperately miss him being that tiny and new.

Top 5 books to read when pregnant

 DISCLAIMER: I have always been a book worm and love to research and learn about new things so naturally, I gravitated towards pregnancy books, however I know that this style of learning isn’t for everyone and obviously nothing can truly 100% prepare you for the unknown of childbirth and raising your baby.

1.      Hypnobirthing: Practical Ways to Make Your Birth Better by Siobhan Miller

Has to take number one spot as it was my number one support during labour. I had heard people mention hypnobirthing before but assumed (as I think a lot of people do) it had something to do with hypnosis or was more for people who are into tarot and horoscopes and things like that- which I can be quite sceptical of.  Therefore, to be honest, I did purchase this book with some scepticism, however at the same time wanted to be open to all modes of childbirth and pain relief so I could make the best informed decision (as I really didn’t have a clue at all). The way the book is styled and written meant it was really easy to dip into it after a long, hard day at work and not feel like it was information overload. And almost as soon as I started reading, it totally made sense. I had gotten hypnobirthing entirely wrong. I forget how powerful the mind can be, particularly when it comes to pain, so it totally makes sense to mentally prepare (as well as physically) prepare yourself for birth as they both work hand in hand. I had always been quite frightened of the idea of childbirth pre-pregnancy (my only knowledge of it coming from dramatized shows and movies which definitely didn’t help at all) but when it came to actually giving birth (even knowing Teddy was breech and the potential risks surrounding a VBB) I felt that what I learnt from this book really helped to relax me, made me feel confident and capable, and meant I was able to give birth to Teddy without any pain relief. I made James read it as well and it felt wonderful to know he was on the same page as me. He even recorded some of the hypnobirthing tracks and affirmations for me (which are at the back of the book) so I could listen to them in the weeks leading up to Teddy’s due date.

2.      What to expect when you’re expecting by Heidi Murkoff

This book has a whole wealth of information and is broken down into months and trimesters so I felt like I could dip in and out of it as and when needed. I found it particularly exciting to read in the early months when not much is happening on the outside (despite a whole load of morning (all day) sickness) to read all of the wonderful things which are happening on the inside. I also found it useful for when anything cropped up during pregnancy that I did not know anything about or was unprepared for- I could use the index to find the information about most things. For example, I had no idea I was rhesus negative and what that meant regarding anti d injections, etc, and felt that I received very little information from the midwife I had at the time about it. I was really glad to find information in this book about it. It also had a page of ideas and strategies to help turn the baby if they aren’t in the ideal position which I used when I discovered Teddy was breech.

3.      Dogs, Bumps and Babies: Preparing your Dog for Life with your Baby by Aileen Stevenson

I found this book really useful in preparing Toby for Teddy’s arrival. This was crucial as I knew Toby was going to be very much still in puppy then adolescent mode whilst Teddy was still small. There are some excellent suggestions in this book which I think really helped. For example, playing baby crying sounds- starting off quiet and gradually building to louder and rewarding Toby for ignoring the sound has meant that from the very beginning he was not fazed by Teddy’s crying. Also playing baby sounds on my phone when wearing the sling/ in the baby carrier/ moses basket, etc and rewarding Toby for ignoring these objects meant that he was not interested in them at all. Taking Toby on walks with the pram before Teddy was born meant he got used to it really quickly. Those are just a few insights from the book that I found really useful, but there were plenty more.

4.      The Modern Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond by Marie Louise

Has some really good tips for the third trimester and preparing for birth (i.e. things like massaging your perineum to avoid tearing- the sort of stuff that no one really mentions or tells you about but can make a huge difference!).

5.      The Positive Breastfeeding Book by Amy Brown

Obviously this book is mainly useful if you do intend to breastfeed. This was my bible to all things breastfeeding pre-Teddy and during those first few months. Of course (and I quickly discovered this) you cannot learn how to breastfeed from a book. I read at least 4 books on breastfeeding, analysed the pictures, watched videos and I still really, really struggled the first few weeks. I just could not get it to the point where it was incredibly stressful and upsetting and Teddy actually lost a lot of weight in the first week- however, I feel this book is written in such a supportive way that even when I was finding it really, really, really tough and was just about to give up, I would read the section with advice on what to do if things are hard and it would really inspire and encourage me to carry on. I have now been exclusively breastfeeding Teddy for 8 months. There is also a list for partners in this book which gives them tons of ideas on how they can support their breastfeeding partner and make the experience somewhat easier. This is the best book I read on breastfeeding by far.

So that is my summary of the five books I found most helpful whilst I was pregnant with Teddy and I hope, if anyone reading this is looking for recommendations, that they find them useful too 😊

 

 

Advice I would give my pregnant self

1.      The first trimester is rough. I had really bad morning *all day* sickness which really impacted what food I could eat (hardly anything). It literally felt like torture because I was so hungry but just couldn’t eat-  also, don’t count on the morning sickness ending abruptly at 12 weeks- I remember waiting for the 12 week mark, excited to see the back of the sickness. And when it didn’t happen, I was so gutted and was worried I was going to feel sick forever. Fortunately, it did eventually subside at 16 weeks!

2.      There is a reason why people say ginger biscuits help with morning sickness. Listen to this, even though you don’t like gingerbread and are convinced they are just going to make you feel worse. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning if I didn’t eat from my stash of ginger biscuits in a tin next to my bed.

3.      It might not be the best idea to get a puppy when you are pregnant- granted, I did this completely by accident and I love Toby to bits, but morning sickness plus puppy poo is not the best combination.

4.      Use stretch mark oils/ cream early- I started using it pretty much as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I didn’t get a single stretch mark. I think it is mostly meant to be down to genetics, but I definitely feel like the oil made a big difference.

5.      Your best buy will be your pregnancy pillow. It was a god send throughout my pregnancy. I don’t know what I would have done without it. It is also gives you a perfectly good excuse to take up most of the bed. 

6.      There are some really cute (and useful) apps out there. Pregnancy+ shows you what your little one looks like at each stage and compares them to fruit, animals and sweets. There does come a point in the third trimester where the novelty wears off as the only change each week is that baby has gotten bigger, but in those early weeks when it feels like nothing is happening, there is actually so much going on inside and it is so fascinating- and when you can’t physically ‘see’ the pregnancy, it makes it feel all the more real.

7.      Picking a name is a lot harder than you think. And make sure you try it out with middle names and second names. It can surprise you what names really don’t work together, even if you think you love them. Picking a name is obviously a lot of fun too. We really loved ‘Baby Name Together’ which is like a baby name version of Tinder where you swipe and match the names you both like. We narrowed it down to a list of 5 names for a boy and a girl and ultimately chose Teddy’s name from this.

8.      If you can afford it, consider an early private scan. Seeing as you are paying, they feel much less rushed than the NHS ones and they really take their time with it. It is amazing (and reassuring) to see that tiny heartbeat, even though the baby somewhat resembles a small mushroom at this point. Alternatively, consider paying for a positioning scan in the third trimester so you have absolute confirmation of your baby’s position. If I hadn’t been sent for a growth scan, Teddy would have been an undiagnosed breech and I don’t know if I would have had the same knowledge and confidence to go through with a VBB and may have panicked and opted for a c-section in the moment.

9.      Don’t worry about the size of your bump! I had a small bump throughout pregnancy and almost felt like I was pretending to be pregnant throughout most of it as I didn’t look pregnant for such a long time. I was envious of the big, beautiful bumps I would see. However, in hindsight, I didn’t have nearly as much back pain and I didn’t find my third trimester as uncomfortable as I know others did. I was blessed with a cute, little bump, just right for me and I wish I had spent more time appreciating that and less time comparing my bump to others!

10.   Get your flu shot- for the first time ever, I did not catch a cold over the Christmas holidays. A major accomplishment for working in a school.

11.   Make the most out of the second trimester- it is true- it is the best one! We went on holiday during the first trimester as it fell during the summer holidays, however, I do think the second trimester would have been the perfect time as it was definitely when I felt my best. The baby had started kicking, I was rocking a little bump, I had this renewed energy after weeks of throwing up. It is the perfect time to start ticking things off your to do list.

12.   Although I do think the second trimester is the prime time for a babymoon, don’t be afraid to go in your first trimester. I was so anxious about going away as was worried about my morning sickness, especially with travelling, and that I wouldn’t enjoy the holiday- although, yes, I did feel sick most days, it was much better feeling poorly in a beautiful setting with time to chill and relax than feeling rubbish back at home.

13.   Spend more time in the moment- especially when baby is kicking. One of my best memories of being pregnant is at my mum and dad’s van. We had just taken our dog, Toby, for his first time at the beach and he was lying snoring at my feet. I was resting after the long walk and Teddy decided to have a right dance party in my belly. It was the first time I had seen the kicks visibly moving my belly and it was lovely knowing that he was there with us too.

14.   Get your dog ready for the baby. As well as taking Toby training, we also played baby crying sounds. I carried a cuddly toy in the sling and put it in the car seat with the crying sound playing. Toby is totally unfazed by the baby crying now. We also practised walking Toby with the pram so he could get used to that too.

15.   Siobhan Miller’s Practical Ways to Make your Birth Better was the best thing I read throughout my entire pregnancy. It helped me reframe my fears around pregnancy and supported me in feeling really positive about what was to come. It enabled me to visualise the birth I wanted to have and even though Teddy’s birth didn’t quite match that, it gave me a really good sense of what I knew I did and didn’t want.

16.   Antenatal classes can be empowering. I wasn’t aware of how much choice I actually had when it came to birth, and how it important it is to be informed, until I attended the antenatal classes. And I do feel that they contributed to both James and I being able to have the vaginal breech birth that I wanted.

17.   Try and exercise as much as you can as it can make you feel stronger and have more stamina for birth. Join a class, if you can. I started aquanatal classes after Christmas and absolutely loved them. It also enabled me to get to know other people who were pregnant and due around the same time as me, and I felt I had a lot of support from the group when I found out Teddy was breech- helping me do handstands in the pool in hopes of turning Teddy, etc.

18.   Massage your perineum! Enough said- trust me, this is an important one!

19.   Invest in a birthing ball- great way to exercise at home, super comfy, massively helped me keep active and upright during labour and (although unsuccessful) was also useful to have when I was trying to turn Teddy.

20.   Do a pregnancy shoot- I didn’t get enough pictures of my bump, so it was the perfect opportunity to get some nice ones.

21.   As you approach your due date, make and freeze some meals- you will be grateful that you did this the first few weeks after baby is born. I was making and freezing a lasagne whilst having contractions the day before Teddy was born! Oddly, I remember that I kept thinking my fingernails smelt of garlic as I was giving birth to Teddy and was worried that would be the first thing he would smell…

22.   Allow yourself to slow down- especially in the third trimester. You will never get this time again.

23.   No they aren’t Braxton Hicks- they are the real thing…

24.   Don’t be embarrassed to record your labour. I didn’t intend to take any pictures or videos of the birth but I am so glad I decided to at the end. There is a wonderful video of James and I meeting Teddy for the first time that I know I will treasure forever.

25.   Go with your gut- you are so much stronger than you think!!!

My positive birth story

 I discovered Teddy was breech at a growth scan at 36 weeks- it was completely unexpected as I had three different midwives at three previous appointments all tell me that the baby was ‘definitely head down.’ One of those appointments was two days before the growth scan! I opted for an ECV which was booked at 37 weeks. I then spent the next week and a half desperately doing anything to try and turn baby. This was probably the most stressful time of my whole pregnancy. I physically and mentally exhausted myself with all the Spinning Babies exercises, handstands in the pool, acupuncture with moxibustion and just generally being terrified to sit down and slouch just in case he had miraculously turned and I did something that made him go back into the breech position. Sadly, not only was I unable to turn baby via these methods, the ECV also failed. Teddy’s bum was too engaged in my pelvis and they could not even start the procedure as he would not budge! The consultant assumed I would be booking in for a c-section and was shocked when I explained that I was still considering a VBB. She went on to list all the reasons why this wasn’t a good idea, but I had already started to do some research at this point and found a number of her reasons contradictory to what I had been looking at. My main fear with considering a VBB was the level of skill of the midwives as I was aware that it wasn’t common practice and, despite training, many of the midwives may have never delivered a breech baby or attended a breech birth. I knew that if I could find someone who had experience, was on the same page as me and who I could trust, then I really felt that I could do it.

I was booked in the following week to discuss options and come to a decision on whether I was going to opt for the c- section or VBB. My husband, James, and I spent the weekend researching via podcasts, looking at the work of Shawn Walker and the Optibreech trial and watching videos of VBBs. I had also spoken to a couple of local doulas as was considering additional support in this form if I was unable to find a midwife who was able to support me. One of the things I did struggle to find was a wealth of positive VBB stories, which is one of the main reasons I am writing this as I was desperate for any real life examples which could reassure me and make me feel like it was possible and that I was making the right decision.

We both felt pretty well informed by the time we met with the consultant on Monday- which made it all the more shocking when everything we were being told about the VBB contradicted all of the research we had done. For example, I was under the impression that the “hands off the breech” approach was best and that the best way to approach labour would to be in upright, forward and open positions and to even give birth on all fours. Yet, in my meeting, I was told that I would need an epidural at 5cm and would need to be on my back with legs in stirrups. When we questioned this, the consultant claimed that I would be in too much pain and by the time I am in the transitional phase, I wouldn’t be aware of what is going on and they would struggle to help me as I would be experiencing so much pain. I was determined to not have an epidural as I knew how important it would be to know when to push. Obviously, having not given birth before, I had no idea how painful it might be- but I also had confidence in myself that I couldn’t imagine myself reacting in the way the consultant described.

In my quest to turn baby, a number of people had mentioned a Kettering Community Midwife, Keeley. They said she had experience of delivering babies via VBB. I was given her contact details via an independent midwife and she was kind enough to meet with me. The experience of meeting and discussing a VBB with Keeley was so vastly different to my experience in the hospital with consultants, etc. She been trained by Shawn Walker and her view of a positive VBB was exactly on the same page as mine. She made me feel like I could do it and I felt really supported by her. She gave me her number so that, if and when I went into labour, I could phone her and she would be there for me. She also informed me of another midwife who was also experienced and could support if, for any reason, Keeley couldn’t be there with me. I was so glad that I was able to make that contact with Keeley, as it was the final thing I needed to truly have the confidence to go ahead with the VBB.

My labour started early Saturday morning. I contacted Keeley when I started experiencing contractions every 5 minutes and by 2am Sunday morning, I had arrived at the hospital and was 4cm dilated. I was advised to keep active and they would look to move me into a private room in the next hour or so. I walked up and down the corridors and used my birthing ball until I was ready to go into a private room. In the private room, I almost instantly started feeling the contractions ramp up in intensity and frequency. We had gotten the room ready with battery operated tea light candles, our birth playlist playing, lavender scented room spray and alongside using hypnobirthing techniques (breathing, visualisation, etc), I also had a wave comb. When I was 8cm dilated, I started to have the urge to push but was worried that baby’s head would get stuck if I wasn’t fully dilated. Until this point, I had been following what my body was telling me to do and, in a panic, I started trying to hold in the urge and fight against the contractions. This distracted me from my breathing and was when the contractions were at their most painful. Keeley must have noticed that something had changed and I explained to her why I was holding back. She confirmed that I was ok to push and that was a massive relief.

As soon as I got onto the bed, into an all fours position, and started pushing, I felt much better. The pushing stage did not feel long at all and apparently Keeley and Melissa (the additional midwife who came in to support) chased the consultants away as they were confident that everything was going smoothly. Very soon, Teddy’s bottom was making an appearance and I was able to push more of his body out with each contraction. His left arm did get slightly stuck, Keeley unhooked it, and as soon as his face and nose were out, he started crying, which was such as a relief, as I had read that sometimes breech babies can take a little while to respond after birth. All that was left, was the top of Teddy’s head (from his eyes upwards) and this was where my contractions seemed to stop. I knew that I only had so much time to get the rest of his head out, so I did start to panic a little at this point. However, with a bit of coaching to push from the midwives and my husband, and some support with positioning from Keeley, Teddy made his full appearance into the world- six and a half hours after I had arrived at the hospital. James and I found out the gender together. It was such a magical moment. And, if anyone had told me that I would be giving birth to a breech baby on no pain relief, I would have not believed them. I felt invincible and so happy that I had stuck to my gut instinct about Teddy’s birth.

I am really grateful to have had the support of my husband and Keeley throughout the labour. It made me feel secure and confident to know that I had people who understood and supported what I wanted alongside me throughout the experience. I also feel proud that I was able to prove that a VBB is possible and is safe- just a variation of normal! I really hope that my story can inspire some confidence and reassurance in others whatever decision they make with a breech baby. I am aware that a VBB may not suit everyone, but after my experience, I believe that it is so empowering to be informed and to feel that you actually have a choice without being pressured or coerced down a route which may not be right for you or your baby. I also find it concerning how midwives are becoming more and more deskilled when it comes to VBB as it means more people are put off the VBB route due to lack of confidence. I hope my story can somewhat normalise a breech birth and show that it isn’t scary or massively riskier than any other type of birth- and that it can in fact be an equally wonderful and positive experience.

Listed below are a few of the links that I used to help inform my decision- thought they might be helpful for anyone who is interested/ going through a similar experience as I know they really helped me:

www.optibreech.uk

www.breechwithoutborders.org

https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1111/1471-0528.14465

https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1471-0528.14466

https://www.instagram.com/breechbabystories/?hl=en-gb

https://www.facebook.com/groups/371624862918154/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxtxEvasoTA&t=233s

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3WkTgVIlrIYmGKuGm7WnHF?si=hkbF3MsBRhGVTxEvtd05hg&utm_source=copy-link

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4xD2S9bPNaBKE2VuTcYhDC?si=6ieduY0gQ8yb7TVgf8KyIQ

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4HHIf2urfsU0YbqsTvmQ2t?si=v28sXb6aRb6OPFBENf-fTQ