My Breastfeeding Journey: Part Two- The highs and lows:

 

Pic: Still loving his milk and cuddles at 11 months.

Initiating and sticking to breastfeeding was definitely by far my biggest challenge on my breastfeeding journey but it certainly doesn’t end there. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many amazing benefits to breastfeeding- I particularly love seeing how much comfort Teddy gains from it, the audible sigh of relief, nuzzling in and the look of contentment on his face as he falls into a milk drunk haze. I feel like it has helped me bond with him. I love how it can fix all his woes. I love how it is the first thing he has known and it is his main source of familiarity and calm in a world which can be so strange, new and ever-changing for him. However, it is never smooth sailing.

First of all, after all the issues we had at the beginning I decided I was going to exclusively breastfeed and not use bottles (we topped him up with syringe). I was worried about him getting a bottle preference. It can be hard, however, having full responsibility for his feeds and not getting a ‘break’ as such with someone else feeding him. Especially at the start when he was cluster feeding for what felt like (and probably WAS) hours on end. I remember it would be dinner time when it would be at its worst and James would have to cut my food up for me and I would eat one handed. I was so nervous about messing up the breastfeeding again that once I got him on a good latch I would be frightened to move so could not get comfortable. My back would be aching and I would be trapped. We got a nappy caddy, James would stock it up with food and water and I would keep it nearby. I had no idea how hungry and thirsty breastfeeding made you! Especially thirsty. Even now, as soon as I latch him on, I get this unquenchable feeling of thirst. They say you use up a ton of calories breastfeeding and it definitely felt like that. I haven’t eaten so much in my life- and I was craving cakes and chocolate even more than when I was pregnant which has wreaked havoc on my teeth!

The amount Teddy was feeding meant that if I ever wanted to go out in public, it consequently meant I would have to feed in public- something I was extremely nervous about. For me, the most important thing was making sure Teddy was happy, comfortable and fed, but there was still some fear of what people think, what if people are judging me- or worse, what if they say something?!

A few things that helped me brave feeding in public are:

-Milk and You- the first place I breastfed (apart from the hospital) outside of my home and as they obviously are a group supporting infant feeding, I was made to feel really comfortable and supported there. It also helped that there were other mums breastfeeding there too.

-Knowing other mums who had given birth at a similar time to me who were also breastfeeding and being able to be out in public as a group made it much less daunting. It also helped to talk about any difficulties I am facing. Knowing that there is support and solidarity really helps.

-Wearing clothes designed for breastfeeding. I particularly liked Juno Jacks designs with the zipper sweaters. I find them really easy to feed in, really discrete (you can hardly see a thing) and I like the colours and designs and they have cute and funny breastfeeding/ parenting related slogans.

-Going out when I knew places would be a bit more quiet. I would often choose seats in the corner and/or my back to people so they probably wouldn’t be able to see what I am doing.

Once I got a bit more confident with the feeding, I started finding it quite easy to feed in public- that was until he got older and he started getting more distracted and would pop on and off and look around at what was going on around him. Luckily, as this started to happen, he also started to be able to go for slightly longer stretches between feeds so it meant that I could time things with being able to feed more privately as he was often able to wait until we got home.

Breastfeeding never becomes just easy though- there always seems to be something! Teddy’s sleep is so erratic that there has been many a night where my boobs have been confused as to why they aren’t on the zillionth feed of the night and I have leaked all through the bedsheets. Once he got his first teeth, he started biting for a week until he got used to them- ouch! He can also be really grabby and will slap, scratch, poke and pinch me as he feeds. He still likes to poke and prod at my mouth as he is feeding. I bought a feeding necklace but that only worked for a little while, apparently my face is much more interesting.

Despite all of this, I still felt strangely sad when we started on solids as I felt proud that my little 6lb 1oz 2^nd centile baby had grown into a chubby 91^st centile with rolls upon rolls on my milk alone- it felt weird going from absolutely all he needs to him starting his weaning journey (which is irrational as he obviously still needs me too as I still breastfeed him).

My next challenge will be returning to work in February. He will be a year old by then so I know, logically, he should be fine without my feeds in the day. However, despite the difficulties and frustrations breastfeeding can cause, I feel like I am going to find it hard to let go.

 My Breastfeeding Journey Part One: Starting Out:

Pic: An exhausted me in the first week after Teddy was born.

As I write this, I have been breastfeeding for 11 months. Aside from the birth of Teddy, being able to breastfeed him is probably one of the accomplishments I am most proud of in my life so far. L2earning to breastfeed was way harder than I ever imagined and for something that is sold as ‘natural,’ I still believe it is such a hard thing to do and it certainly didn’t come naturally to me. I can totally understand why so many people who intend to breastfeed decide that it isn’t for them or end their journey sooner than they would have liked. I could have very easily been in the same situation. I also know there can sometimes be a lot of regret and guilt around breastfeeding and, as a result, breastfeeding is an emotive or sensitive topic for many, particularly with the narrative of ‘breast being best’ and obviously every parent’s desire is to do what they feel is best for their child. Therefore, I by no means wish to offend or push breastfeeding onto anyone by telling my story. Everyone’s journey and situation is different and personal to them.

Before Teddy was born, I was determined I was going to breastfeed despite there being a lot of people I know who had really struggled with it and had ended up switching to formula, or even decided to not opt for breastfeeding with their second child due to not being able to breastfeed with their first. I knew it would be tough and my first response to something difficult and unknown is to find out as much as possible about it. In the final few months before Teddy was born I poured over breastfeeding books and videos. But obviously, actually doing it yourself is a whole different ball game!

I actually find it quite difficult to talk (and even write) about the first few weeks of breastfeeding. It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done and I feel really emotional looking back. It seemed like it was going ok just after Teddy was born, he did the breast crawl and seemed to latch on straight away. I had a few people look at him latched on and was told it was fine (although the second time feeding him felt quite sore and I ended up with a blood blister). He even did 3 poops within 24 hours which felt like a sign to me that things were going ok. Then very quickly, they weren’t.

To summarise, within the first 3 days things suddenly went downhill very quickly. Although he *seemed* ok in himself (as far as I know a newborn should behave, etc), he had urates in his nappy, he lost 11% of his birth weight and didn’t poop for another week! I was finding positioning hard due to the ‘frog like’ legs breech babies can sometimes have and he was struggling to latch on. I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel and knew that if it was uncomfortable it was probably wrong so was therefore barely latching him on at all and thinking it was enough. And he was also quickly falling asleep on the breast and not really suckling. It took a long while for my milk to properly come in (I think it was about a week in the end) so that didn’t help either.

What I needed was someone to show me how to position and latch him. Someone to spend a bit of time with me so I could work out a few techniques and see what worked best for us. And time- time for that skin to skin and to truly work it all out.  I did get that help…eventually… which I am so grateful for. However, sadly, everyone’s initial reaction to the 11% weight loss on Day 3 was to panic and send us straight into hospital and start to pressure me to use formula which is really what I didn’t want or need. I felt like I hadn’t been given the support or the chance to really give it a go. Instead of getting that valuable skin to skin time, we were sent into the hospital to check if there are any issues, make sure he wasn’t dehydrated (he was fine) and I was trying to breastfeed him in a busy hospital with people around and finding it even more difficult and stressful. I was feeling bad enough as it was. My hormones were all over the place; I was extremely emotional. The stress certainly wasn’t helping with my bonding and encouraging the milk to come in. Even now I get this horrible feeling of guilt every time I think back to how I was basically starving him. He had been all safe and snug in my womb- every need catered for. All he had known was comfort. And then he is plunged into this harsh, cold world and he was seeking the comfort and food from me and he wasn’t getting enough. I cannot explain how awful it made me feel. And I know my loved ones always try and reassure me that it probably wasn’t like that, and things did get better, I did the best I could and he is ok, but I can’t shake that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of guilt every single time I think about it. It really taints my memories of that first week with him.

I remember being ushered into a room away from the other patients due to Teddy being so young and unvaccinated, etc, and there were builders working on the room next door. It was noisy and the door had glass and they kept walking by and looking in. I was trying to feed Teddy and I was all clumsy and stressed and flustered and he wouldn’t stop crying. It was not what I imagined my first week with my newborn to be like at all.

We were sent to the hospital twice in that first week. Both times Teddy was briefly checked over, they decided he was fine with nothing preventing him from feeding and sent home. It was a pointless, stressful exercise. I knew that all I needed was some help with breastfeeding technique and it wasn’t until Day 4 or 5 that they sent over a midwife who specialised in breastfeeding who actually helped me. She showed me the rugby ball hold so his legs wouldn’t get in the way, what to look for to know he is latched on correctly and what to look for to know he is feeding correctly. I remember him audibly gulping and her telling me “look, there you can see- he is definitely getting something there!” And feeling so relieved and finally feeling like everything was clicking into place. I felt an improvement with his feeds straight away but, sadly, the midwives came and weighed him the very next morning and as he hadn’t put on weight yet (obviously, it had been less than 24 hours) that was when we were sent to hospital for our second trip. It felt so unfair, like we hadn’t been given a chance to spend time really making this work. I was put on a gruelling feeding plan for Teddy. Feeding him every 2-3 hours, pumping and topping up. It is only now I know that pumping so early on isn’t good as it is best to wait until you establish supply, but I was told at the time that I either do that or switch to formula and it felt like the better option. I was just non-stop feeding and pumping. I feel like a lot of that time taking Teddy in and enjoying those newborn moments was stolen from me as a result. I remember breaking down one evening because I had pumped the most I have ever managed (I think it was like 10ml or something) and James had accidentally lost it down the sink. I was distraught. It felt like the worst thing ever at the time.

Teddy was born on the Sunday and it wasn’t until the Saturday we were finally left alone and just had peace and quiet and the time alone to really try with the breastfeeding. We spent the entire weekend in bed (I binge watched so many shows) and low and behold in the space of a weekend, he had gone from losing to 12% of his birth weight to 6% and was back at birth weight by the Wednesday. Ultimately what I needed was the right support and time alone to suss it all out. What I didn’t need was instant pressure to switch to formula, hospital visits and constant stress about his weight.

It does upset me that I had so little support to breastfeed from some midwives and medical professionals. The pressure to switch to formula so quickly was awful. However, saying that, there is support out there but I don’t think there is enough awareness of where to find it. The midwife who helped me, Leah, was amazing. I was also sent to a clinic where the lady there was amazing and helped me further improve my latch. Anne, who ran my antenatal group, was fantastic- I sent her videos of Teddy feeding and she helped advise me and gave me reassurance. I had heard of Milk and You and contacted them and they were incredible as well. I went to see them and they further reassured me that everything looked well and it looked like he was latching on and feeding well. They are an amazing resource that I was so lucky to have found. I also followed some Instagram pages such as Kathyrnn Stagg IBCLC and thebreastfeedingmentor (Danielle Facey), and a wonderful FB group called ‘Breastfeeding and Lactation Support UK’ which really helped me build my confidence. I also remember on one particularly emotional evening, a girl from my PGCE course who I hadn’t really spoken to in a while had messaged me her congratulations and I was honest about how things were going. She told me that she had been in a similar position but ended up breastfeeding for 18 months. Her kind words and reassurance really helped in that moment.

Little did I know at the time, although initiating breastfeeding was by far the hardest part of my breastfeeding journey, there were plenty more challenges to come!