My Breastfeeding Journey: Part Two- The highs and lows:

 

Pic: Still loving his milk and cuddles at 11 months.

Initiating and sticking to breastfeeding was definitely by far my biggest challenge on my breastfeeding journey but it certainly doesn’t end there. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many amazing benefits to breastfeeding- I particularly love seeing how much comfort Teddy gains from it, the audible sigh of relief, nuzzling in and the look of contentment on his face as he falls into a milk drunk haze. I feel like it has helped me bond with him. I love how it can fix all his woes. I love how it is the first thing he has known and it is his main source of familiarity and calm in a world which can be so strange, new and ever-changing for him. However, it is never smooth sailing.

First of all, after all the issues we had at the beginning I decided I was going to exclusively breastfeed and not use bottles (we topped him up with syringe). I was worried about him getting a bottle preference. It can be hard, however, having full responsibility for his feeds and not getting a ‘break’ as such with someone else feeding him. Especially at the start when he was cluster feeding for what felt like (and probably WAS) hours on end. I remember it would be dinner time when it would be at its worst and James would have to cut my food up for me and I would eat one handed. I was so nervous about messing up the breastfeeding again that once I got him on a good latch I would be frightened to move so could not get comfortable. My back would be aching and I would be trapped. We got a nappy caddy, James would stock it up with food and water and I would keep it nearby. I had no idea how hungry and thirsty breastfeeding made you! Especially thirsty. Even now, as soon as I latch him on, I get this unquenchable feeling of thirst. They say you use up a ton of calories breastfeeding and it definitely felt like that. I haven’t eaten so much in my life- and I was craving cakes and chocolate even more than when I was pregnant which has wreaked havoc on my teeth!

The amount Teddy was feeding meant that if I ever wanted to go out in public, it consequently meant I would have to feed in public- something I was extremely nervous about. For me, the most important thing was making sure Teddy was happy, comfortable and fed, but there was still some fear of what people think, what if people are judging me- or worse, what if they say something?!

A few things that helped me brave feeding in public are:

-Milk and You- the first place I breastfed (apart from the hospital) outside of my home and as they obviously are a group supporting infant feeding, I was made to feel really comfortable and supported there. It also helped that there were other mums breastfeeding there too.

-Knowing other mums who had given birth at a similar time to me who were also breastfeeding and being able to be out in public as a group made it much less daunting. It also helped to talk about any difficulties I am facing. Knowing that there is support and solidarity really helps.

-Wearing clothes designed for breastfeeding. I particularly liked Juno Jacks designs with the zipper sweaters. I find them really easy to feed in, really discrete (you can hardly see a thing) and I like the colours and designs and they have cute and funny breastfeeding/ parenting related slogans.

-Going out when I knew places would be a bit more quiet. I would often choose seats in the corner and/or my back to people so they probably wouldn’t be able to see what I am doing.

Once I got a bit more confident with the feeding, I started finding it quite easy to feed in public- that was until he got older and he started getting more distracted and would pop on and off and look around at what was going on around him. Luckily, as this started to happen, he also started to be able to go for slightly longer stretches between feeds so it meant that I could time things with being able to feed more privately as he was often able to wait until we got home.

Breastfeeding never becomes just easy though- there always seems to be something! Teddy’s sleep is so erratic that there has been many a night where my boobs have been confused as to why they aren’t on the zillionth feed of the night and I have leaked all through the bedsheets. Once he got his first teeth, he started biting for a week until he got used to them- ouch! He can also be really grabby and will slap, scratch, poke and pinch me as he feeds. He still likes to poke and prod at my mouth as he is feeding. I bought a feeding necklace but that only worked for a little while, apparently my face is much more interesting.

Despite all of this, I still felt strangely sad when we started on solids as I felt proud that my little 6lb 1oz 2^nd centile baby had grown into a chubby 91^st centile with rolls upon rolls on my milk alone- it felt weird going from absolutely all he needs to him starting his weaning journey (which is irrational as he obviously still needs me too as I still breastfeed him).

My next challenge will be returning to work in February. He will be a year old by then so I know, logically, he should be fine without my feeds in the day. However, despite the difficulties and frustrations breastfeeding can cause, I feel like I am going to find it hard to let go.