1. The biggest surprise was how extreme my emotions have become. Obviously, this is partly down to hormones but I have honestly never felt such joy and love as when I just look at Teddy and think about how we have made this little person. He can do the tiniest thing and it completely amazes me. I must say “oh my god, he is so cute!” at least 10 times a day. I have never felt a love like this. It is almost too much- a bit overwhelming sometimes. For example, sometimes it goes from how lucky I am to experience all these little wonderful moments of Teddy each day to suddenly feeling guilty that I am not doing enough or (especially now I am back at work) I am missing out on things. Sometimes I worry that I should be doing things differently and I might be unintentionally disadvantaging or making his life harder in some way. Sudden feelings of fear are the worst- those intrusive thoughts that strike at the most random moments. All the what ifs. Even though it is inevitable, even just thinking about any of the pain, hurt, embarrassment, sadness or struggles Teddy will undoubtedly encounter in life absolutely chills me to the bone. I honestly struggle to watch anything remotely emotional on TV anymore as I can’t help but think that those people suffering were little babies once. I just generally feel like I feel everything, all the emotions, a whole lot more than I did before.
2.
I know I have written about this in a previous
blog but I had no idea how difficult breastfeeding would actually be. I
had people tell me it was hard. I even said to myself that I would give it a
good go but not to stress about it if it wasn’t for me. Yet, I had no real idea
how hard it actually was going to be in the beginning. I had no idea about all
the things which come with it and, although it does get easier, the number of
challenges I would continue to encounter and face.
3.
How I could sustain life for 6 whole months on breastmilk
alone- still does not cease to amaze me.
4.
How hungry and thirsty breastfeeding made
me. I have never really been a snacker and wouldn’t really need to eat that
much throughout the day to feel full. I am now ravenous all the time. I
can literally eat a meal and then ten minutes later could easily eat another
one. I have never had such an appetite in my life. I definitely ate way too
many sweet things throughout my maternity leave. It was lovely meeting up in
cafes or going out for brunch- but having more than one cake a day has wreaked
havoc on my teeth. I would also get sooo thirsty when I would feed Teddy. I had
no idea that was a thing but as soon as he would latch I would get this instant
thirst. I would drive James mad asking him to fetch me my water bottle all the
time.
5.
This is probably the biggest one for me and, to
be honest, the main thing which puts me off having a second- the sleep
deprivation! It makes me laugh to think that I was the sort of person who
could not function on anything less than 8 hours sleep before Teddy. I don’t
think I can actually put into words the severity of sleep deprivation I had
those first 7 months- and I think the only people who can understand are those
who have gone through prolonged sleep deprivation- I don’t think you can even
fathom what it is like if you haven’t. I am talking about (at its worst) having
the odd 20 minutes nap here and there over a 24 hour period and then it being
the same night after night after night with no idea where the end point would
be. The amount of times I googled if it was possible to die from no sleep-
because that is what it felt like- like I was dying- I am not kidding. Even
worse was having to look after a newborn or a young baby on virtually no sleep.
Imagine- you have just given birth, your body is utterly wrecked, emotions and
hormones all over the place and you are responsible for keeping this tiny being
alive having never done anything like it before on no sleep! I don’t know how that is ok. I found the
breastfeeding so draining too- I was running on empty. I used to dread bedtime
because it just felt like a non-stop cycle of desperately wanting sleep but not
being able to have it.
6.
How difficult the newborn stage is. I
know everyone and every baby is different but I found it so hard. To be fair,
it took me like 7 months to start finding things a bit easier (7 months is when
he started sleeping better too so no coincidence there). Teddy wasn’t sleeping,
I was finding the breastfeeding tough, he did not want to be put down from day
1 so I was having to babywear a lot and wasn’t getting any breaks at all. It
felt like he was crying a lot. I was anxious about everything and felt like I
was doing a terrible job. I think (as well as the sleep) when he started
getting older and interacting more and could move around a bit more so be a bit
more independent, things did start to get a bit easier. I feel like when he
started to communicate with me (without crying) by using some words and signs,
then it was much easier to understand what he needed and I felt more confident
with what I was doing.
7.
Even though it has its challenges and there are
moments when I definitely needed a break, I didn’t realise how much I would
love babywearing. I had heard of ‘kangeroo care’ before having Teddy and
had bought a sling in anticipation that it is something I might use the first
few weeks as he acclimatises to being out of the womb, but I went on to
babywear him pretty regularly throughout that first year. He has gotten far too
wriggly for it now and just wants to be out holding and touching the things
around him (he is also too heavy) but I loved having him close and having him
sleeping all snug as I would go about my day.
8.
How much I want a break but at the same
time how much I miss him when I am away from him.
9.
How
quickly time passes. It feels like forever in the moment but gone in
flash. It actually feels like yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and I
can’t believe Teddy has now been in our lives for well over a year. And it
amazes me how quickly he changes. I miss past versions of Teddy so much. I miss
his little noises, milk drunk expressions and chubby rolls. However, I am
equally really excited to see the little person he is becoming.
10.
How the novelty of having an infant has
not worn off. He continues to amaze me every day and I am so grateful for him.
It still feels brand new and exciting. He is my absolute world (soppy, I know).
11.
How much hair I lost. I would find it everywhere.
I shed loads of it, so much so that I would worry about it getting tangled
around Teddy’s little fingers and toes. And as it is now growing back I have
all these wispy little hairs sticking out around my hairline. I look like a
bewildered owl.
12.
How little babies actually do. I stupidly
thought they learnt to crawl and talk pretty quickly. Seems obvious now, but I
didn’t realise how long it would take for him to become more like a toddler but
obviously learning how everything works is going to take a bit of time- duh!
13.
It feels like Teddy always either has a cold or
is teething. There is never any respite. We are dealing with crankiness
and sleepless nights because his gums are hurting, or because he is all snotty
and congested. It is very rare to get even a few days in a row when we aren’t
battling one of those challenges. I did not realise how relentless it would be!
14.
Not knowing what to dress him in for the
weather. That constant paranoia of is he too hot or too cold. And just when I
get used to it and get in a bit of rhythm of what to put on him, the season
suddenly drastically changes and I am back to square one. This is even worse at
night. I still don’t have a clue now what tog or how many layers to put on
whenever there is a rise or fall in temperature in his room.
15.
How quickly his fingernails grow and how
scary it is to cut them!
16.
How quickly you become unbothered about all the poop,
pee, puke and snot. I really thought I would be grossed out by it
all but I think I have at least one of these things on me at least 90% of the
time, I got used to it pretty quick.
17.
My Google search history. Especially
those first few months.
18.
Seeing the world with a fresh perspective through
his eyes. I love how curious he is. I love how he approaches everything
with wonder.
19.
How ignorant and naïve I was before having
a baby. When I thought about having a baby, I only really thought of the
positive and would daydream about all the nice bits. I really did not have a
clue about how tough and challenging it can be. I thought he would just slot
into my life. I did not really consider how much my life would actually change.
I do feel so much more fulfilled now but I will be honest when I say that there
are things from before that I miss and now realise that I really took for
granted.
20.
How much it really helps to have a network of
mums with babies who are similar age/ going through similar things to you. The
support system I had from mum friends I had met when I was pregnant or through
baby groups really helped me through some of my toughest, most exhausting
times. It is so helpful to have a sounding board, that empathy and
understanding, someone to have a moan and a laugh with. I will be forever
grateful for those connections- they really made my experience as a first-time
mum.
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