20 surprising things about having a baby

 1.        The biggest surprise was how extreme my emotions have become. Obviously, this is partly down to hormones but I have honestly never felt such joy and love as when I just look at Teddy and think about how we have made this little person. He can do the tiniest thing and it completely amazes me. I must say “oh my god, he is so cute!” at least 10 times a day. I have never felt a love like this. It is almost too much- a bit overwhelming sometimes. For example, sometimes it goes from how lucky I am to experience all these little wonderful moments of Teddy each day to suddenly feeling guilty that I am not doing enough or (especially now I am back at work) I am missing out on things. Sometimes I worry that I should be doing things differently and I might be unintentionally disadvantaging or making his life harder in some way. Sudden feelings of fear are the worst- those intrusive thoughts that strike at the most random moments. All the what ifs. Even though it is inevitable, even just thinking about any of the pain, hurt, embarrassment, sadness or struggles Teddy will undoubtedly encounter in life absolutely chills me to the bone. I honestly struggle to watch anything remotely emotional on TV anymore as I can’t help but think that those people suffering were little babies once. I just generally feel like I feel everything, all the emotions, a whole lot more than I did before.

 

2.        I know I have written about this in a previous blog but I had no idea how difficult breastfeeding would actually be. I had people tell me it was hard. I even said to myself that I would give it a good go but not to stress about it if it wasn’t for me. Yet, I had no real idea how hard it actually was going to be in the beginning. I had no idea about all the things which come with it and, although it does get easier, the number of challenges I would continue to encounter and face.

 

3.        How I could sustain life for 6 whole months on breastmilk alone- still does not cease to amaze me.

 

4.        How hungry and thirsty breastfeeding made me. I have never really been a snacker and wouldn’t really need to eat that much throughout the day to feel full. I am now ravenous all the time. I can literally eat a meal and then ten minutes later could easily eat another one. I have never had such an appetite in my life. I definitely ate way too many sweet things throughout my maternity leave. It was lovely meeting up in cafes or going out for brunch- but having more than one cake a day has wreaked havoc on my teeth. I would also get sooo thirsty when I would feed Teddy. I had no idea that was a thing but as soon as he would latch I would get this instant thirst. I would drive James mad asking him to fetch me my water bottle all the time.

 

5.        This is probably the biggest one for me and, to be honest, the main thing which puts me off having a second- the sleep deprivation! It makes me laugh to think that I was the sort of person who could not function on anything less than 8 hours sleep before Teddy. I don’t think I can actually put into words the severity of sleep deprivation I had those first 7 months- and I think the only people who can understand are those who have gone through prolonged sleep deprivation- I don’t think you can even fathom what it is like if you haven’t. I am talking about (at its worst) having the odd 20 minutes nap here and there over a 24 hour period and then it being the same night after night after night with no idea where the end point would be. The amount of times I googled if it was possible to die from no sleep- because that is what it felt like- like I was dying- I am not kidding. Even worse was having to look after a newborn or a young baby on virtually no sleep. Imagine- you have just given birth, your body is utterly wrecked, emotions and hormones all over the place and you are responsible for keeping this tiny being alive having never done anything like it before on no sleep!  I don’t know how that is ok. I found the breastfeeding so draining too- I was running on empty. I used to dread bedtime because it just felt like a non-stop cycle of desperately wanting sleep but not being able to have it.

 

6.        How difficult the newborn stage is. I know everyone and every baby is different but I found it so hard. To be fair, it took me like 7 months to start finding things a bit easier (7 months is when he started sleeping better too so no coincidence there). Teddy wasn’t sleeping, I was finding the breastfeeding tough, he did not want to be put down from day 1 so I was having to babywear a lot and wasn’t getting any breaks at all. It felt like he was crying a lot. I was anxious about everything and felt like I was doing a terrible job. I think (as well as the sleep) when he started getting older and interacting more and could move around a bit more so be a bit more independent, things did start to get a bit easier. I feel like when he started to communicate with me (without crying) by using some words and signs, then it was much easier to understand what he needed and I felt more confident with what I was doing.

 

7.        Even though it has its challenges and there are moments when I definitely needed a break, I didn’t realise how much I would love babywearing. I had heard of ‘kangeroo care’ before having Teddy and had bought a sling in anticipation that it is something I might use the first few weeks as he acclimatises to being out of the womb, but I went on to babywear him pretty regularly throughout that first year. He has gotten far too wriggly for it now and just wants to be out holding and touching the things around him (he is also too heavy) but I loved having him close and having him sleeping all snug as I would go about my day.

 

8.        How much I want a break but at the same time how much I miss him when I am away from him.

 

 

9.         How quickly time passes. It feels like forever in the moment but gone in flash. It actually feels like yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and I can’t believe Teddy has now been in our lives for well over a year. And it amazes me how quickly he changes. I miss past versions of Teddy so much. I miss his little noises, milk drunk expressions and chubby rolls. However, I am equally really excited to see the little person he is becoming.

 

10.   How the novelty of having an infant has not worn off. He continues to amaze me every day and I am so grateful for him. It still feels brand new and exciting. He is my absolute world (soppy, I know).

 

11.   How much hair I lost. I would find it everywhere. I shed loads of it, so much so that I would worry about it getting tangled around Teddy’s little fingers and toes. And as it is now growing back I have all these wispy little hairs sticking out around my hairline. I look like a bewildered owl.

 

12.   How little babies actually do. I stupidly thought they learnt to crawl and talk pretty quickly. Seems obvious now, but I didn’t realise how long it would take for him to become more like a toddler but obviously learning how everything works is going to take a bit of time- duh!

 

13.   It feels like Teddy always either has a cold or is teething. There is never any respite. We are dealing with crankiness and sleepless nights because his gums are hurting, or because he is all snotty and congested. It is very rare to get even a few days in a row when we aren’t battling one of those challenges. I did not realise how relentless it would be!

 

14.   Not knowing what to dress him in for the weather. That constant paranoia of is he too hot or too cold. And just when I get used to it and get in a bit of rhythm of what to put on him, the season suddenly drastically changes and I am back to square one. This is even worse at night. I still don’t have a clue now what tog or how many layers to put on whenever there is a rise or fall in temperature in his room.

 

15.   How quickly his fingernails grow and how scary it is to cut them!

 

16.   How quickly you become unbothered about all the poop, pee, puke and snot. I really thought I would be grossed out by it all but I think I have at least one of these things on me at least 90% of the time, I got used to it pretty quick.

 

17.   My Google search history. Especially those first few months.

 

18.   Seeing the world with a fresh perspective through his eyes. I love how curious he is. I love how he approaches everything with wonder.

 

19.   How ignorant and naïve I was before having a baby. When I thought about having a baby, I only really thought of the positive and would daydream about all the nice bits. I really did not have a clue about how tough and challenging it can be. I thought he would just slot into my life. I did not really consider how much my life would actually change. I do feel so much more fulfilled now but I will be honest when I say that there are things from before that I miss and now realise that I really took for granted.

 

20.   How much it really helps to have a network of mums with babies who are similar age/ going through similar things to you. The support system I had from mum friends I had met when I was pregnant or through baby groups really helped me through some of my toughest, most exhausting times. It is so helpful to have a sounding board, that empathy and understanding, someone to have a moan and a laugh with. I will be forever grateful for those connections- they really made my experience as a first-time mum. 

14 of the best and most useful baby things I bought- 0-6 months:

1.   Although this is in no particular order, number one has to be my Izmi wrap. I started babywearing when Teddy was a week old and I have no idea how I would have survived otherwise. Teddy was a Velcro baby from day one and would absolutely scream whenever I put him down. Therefore, I needed the sling to be able to function and have two hands (especially when James’ paternity leave had finished). It was one of the ways I could get him to nap for extended period of times as he would not be put down for a nap. It was easy to use for a dog walk. And it was one of the main ways I could quickly settle and soothe him aside from breastfeeding. I still babywear Teddy every now and then, although I now use a more structured sling for walks. The Izmi sling is very long which can make it tricky putting it on as I am very short, but I watched videos before Teddy was born and got the hang of it pretty quickly. I also visited the Northants Sling Library which is a fantastic resource and they were so helpful with reassuring me that I was wearing Teddy correctly and offering advice

 2. Whilst on the topic of slings/ wraps, my hoody and jacket for babywearing are also fantastic. They have an inset so it goes over the sling and helps keep Teddy warm as well as being comfortable for me. They are both from Seraphine maternity.

 

3.      My next to me crib (Tutti Bambini CoZee Bedside Crib). Stupidly, I waited until Teddy was about 3 or 4 months old before I put the side down and had it attached to the bed. It was a game changer and made breastfeeding during the night so much easier (especially as Teddy was/ is an awful sleeper and I would have to bring him into my bed often throughout the night). By having the crib attached, I was able to feel close to him and could reach out and comfort him in the night. He would often hold my hand which was very sweet. And I would look over at him in the morning and he would give me this massive grin and be so happy to see me (even though he had seen me about a billion times throughout the night). I do miss having him next to me but the crib is only suitable for 6 months/ before they can sit up on their own/ up to 9kg. Teddy has now moved into his cot in his own room and, although I do prefer having my own space, I do also miss him. One thing I would consider if I was buying another next to me is the rocking feature. This one doesn’t really rock and rocking is something which aids Teddy to sleep.

4. Satin crib sheets- Teddy started getting a bald patch on the back of his head. One of my friends recommended satin sheets and although they are a bit pricier they did make a huge difference and his hair began to quickly grow back.

5. My boppy cushion- made breastfeeding so much more comfortable. And the amount I was doing it at the beginning, it was really needed!

6.  An extra nappy caddy- I kept one in the living room and filled it with snacks, drink, wipes, muslins, the remote control- everything I needed when I was nap trapped or cluster feeding.

 

7.      A white noise machine and night light- ok, so this did not work for Teddy in the sense that they do not get him to sleep. Teddy was (and is) a terrible sleeper. However, as Teddy got older, noises started to wake him up and the white noise machine is effective in hiding a lot of noise (particularly during the day). Over time, the nightlight became familiar to Teddy and I believe he does use it as a source of comfort and something which he associates with his bedtime routine. The nightlight also has a selection of different coloured stars and moons which have a setting where they move around the room. This was a wonderful distraction tool to buy me a few minutes to get ready in the morning and I still use it to quickly prep his breakfast and let the dog out before I get Teddy up for the day.

 8. Black and white contrast cards- Teddy absolutely loved these from the start and even gets excited when we get them out now. It was the first thing (aside from our faces) that he really focused on and was interested in.

9.      Foil blanket- just foil in general! Teddy loved the sound of crinkling foil and liked lying in it or hearing it near to him. It was a great distraction tool when he started cry and when I was changing his nappy. Teddy hates the car and during the summer, I would tie it (out of reach) to his car seat and open the windows and the breeze would flutter the foil around everywhere and it would distract him for a little while, making the car journey a little more bearable!

10. The mesh bags for washing machines- I use these for all of Teddy’s really tiny items of clothing, particularly when he was newborn, such as his socks. It ensures they don’t go missing in the washing machine and keeps them together.

11. Onesies with zips! So much easier, so much quicker. Useful when he was a newborn and I was having to change him multiple times a day but also useful as he got older and would squirm around a lot more. Really difficult to do tons of buttons when he is doing the alligator roll!

 

12.   The DK Pop up Peekaboo Books- these were the first books that Teddy truly paid attention to. Obviously peekaboo will always be a favourite but the pop up images are really big and the colours are vivid and contrast. It meant he was able to focus on them really well. He particularly liked the Under the Sea book with Ollie the Octopus popping up. As he has gotten older, these books are still a favourite. He knows where all the pop up flaps are and will open them himself and react to each of the characters.

 13.  Little Massage Course- this was the best massage course that I did. I am so glad I did it as I would massage Teddy every day up until he was about 7 months. That was when he started getting too fidgety and wanted to be on the go. It was great for bonding. It can soothe and comfort. It can help with reflux, digestion and aid with constipation. I found it to be some lovely, quiet time for just the two of us where I could 100% focus on him. It was a nice, relaxing addition to our routine.

14.   Swimming lessons- there are mixed views as to when to start swimming lessons for a baby. To be honest, I didn’t look too much into the research around it (which is weird for me!) All I knew was that I wanted Teddy to be familiar with swimming as soon as possible as I feel like it is one of the most important skills someone can learn. Also, at the time, Teddy absolutely hated baths, so I also wanted to do something to help with him feeling a bit better about being in water. I booked Teddy onto swimming as soon as he was able to. He was about 8 weeks old. I booked him onto Bubble Babies- a group held at a hydrotherapy pool where the water is really warm (as figured cold water probably wouldn’t help with the bath issue). He may have been a little too young for it at 8 weeks- he cried for the full first session and then half of the next- so maybe 10 weeks would have been better. But who knows, maybe he would have done that anyway and it was just a case of him getting used to it. From that third session onwards, he has absolutely loved his swimming, and very quickly grew to love bathtime too. He gets so excited about going in the water, loves splashing around. He kicks his legs and splashes his arm as if he is trying to propel himself forward in the water. He doesn’t mind getting his face wet and will go under the water no problem. It was one of his most favourite things to do and it has been lovely seeing how far he has come along.

 

My Breastfeeding Journey: Part Two- The highs and lows:

 

Pic: Still loving his milk and cuddles at 11 months.

Initiating and sticking to breastfeeding was definitely by far my biggest challenge on my breastfeeding journey but it certainly doesn’t end there. Don’t get me wrong, there are so many amazing benefits to breastfeeding- I particularly love seeing how much comfort Teddy gains from it, the audible sigh of relief, nuzzling in and the look of contentment on his face as he falls into a milk drunk haze. I feel like it has helped me bond with him. I love how it can fix all his woes. I love how it is the first thing he has known and it is his main source of familiarity and calm in a world which can be so strange, new and ever-changing for him. However, it is never smooth sailing.

First of all, after all the issues we had at the beginning I decided I was going to exclusively breastfeed and not use bottles (we topped him up with syringe). I was worried about him getting a bottle preference. It can be hard, however, having full responsibility for his feeds and not getting a ‘break’ as such with someone else feeding him. Especially at the start when he was cluster feeding for what felt like (and probably WAS) hours on end. I remember it would be dinner time when it would be at its worst and James would have to cut my food up for me and I would eat one handed. I was so nervous about messing up the breastfeeding again that once I got him on a good latch I would be frightened to move so could not get comfortable. My back would be aching and I would be trapped. We got a nappy caddy, James would stock it up with food and water and I would keep it nearby. I had no idea how hungry and thirsty breastfeeding made you! Especially thirsty. Even now, as soon as I latch him on, I get this unquenchable feeling of thirst. They say you use up a ton of calories breastfeeding and it definitely felt like that. I haven’t eaten so much in my life- and I was craving cakes and chocolate even more than when I was pregnant which has wreaked havoc on my teeth!

The amount Teddy was feeding meant that if I ever wanted to go out in public, it consequently meant I would have to feed in public- something I was extremely nervous about. For me, the most important thing was making sure Teddy was happy, comfortable and fed, but there was still some fear of what people think, what if people are judging me- or worse, what if they say something?!

A few things that helped me brave feeding in public are:

-Milk and You- the first place I breastfed (apart from the hospital) outside of my home and as they obviously are a group supporting infant feeding, I was made to feel really comfortable and supported there. It also helped that there were other mums breastfeeding there too.

-Knowing other mums who had given birth at a similar time to me who were also breastfeeding and being able to be out in public as a group made it much less daunting. It also helped to talk about any difficulties I am facing. Knowing that there is support and solidarity really helps.

-Wearing clothes designed for breastfeeding. I particularly liked Juno Jacks designs with the zipper sweaters. I find them really easy to feed in, really discrete (you can hardly see a thing) and I like the colours and designs and they have cute and funny breastfeeding/ parenting related slogans.

-Going out when I knew places would be a bit more quiet. I would often choose seats in the corner and/or my back to people so they probably wouldn’t be able to see what I am doing.

Once I got a bit more confident with the feeding, I started finding it quite easy to feed in public- that was until he got older and he started getting more distracted and would pop on and off and look around at what was going on around him. Luckily, as this started to happen, he also started to be able to go for slightly longer stretches between feeds so it meant that I could time things with being able to feed more privately as he was often able to wait until we got home.

Breastfeeding never becomes just easy though- there always seems to be something! Teddy’s sleep is so erratic that there has been many a night where my boobs have been confused as to why they aren’t on the zillionth feed of the night and I have leaked all through the bedsheets. Once he got his first teeth, he started biting for a week until he got used to them- ouch! He can also be really grabby and will slap, scratch, poke and pinch me as he feeds. He still likes to poke and prod at my mouth as he is feeding. I bought a feeding necklace but that only worked for a little while, apparently my face is much more interesting.

Despite all of this, I still felt strangely sad when we started on solids as I felt proud that my little 6lb 1oz 2^nd centile baby had grown into a chubby 91^st centile with rolls upon rolls on my milk alone- it felt weird going from absolutely all he needs to him starting his weaning journey (which is irrational as he obviously still needs me too as I still breastfeed him).

My next challenge will be returning to work in February. He will be a year old by then so I know, logically, he should be fine without my feeds in the day. However, despite the difficulties and frustrations breastfeeding can cause, I feel like I am going to find it hard to let go.

 My Breastfeeding Journey Part One: Starting Out:

Pic: An exhausted me in the first week after Teddy was born.

As I write this, I have been breastfeeding for 11 months. Aside from the birth of Teddy, being able to breastfeed him is probably one of the accomplishments I am most proud of in my life so far. L2earning to breastfeed was way harder than I ever imagined and for something that is sold as ‘natural,’ I still believe it is such a hard thing to do and it certainly didn’t come naturally to me. I can totally understand why so many people who intend to breastfeed decide that it isn’t for them or end their journey sooner than they would have liked. I could have very easily been in the same situation. I also know there can sometimes be a lot of regret and guilt around breastfeeding and, as a result, breastfeeding is an emotive or sensitive topic for many, particularly with the narrative of ‘breast being best’ and obviously every parent’s desire is to do what they feel is best for their child. Therefore, I by no means wish to offend or push breastfeeding onto anyone by telling my story. Everyone’s journey and situation is different and personal to them.

Before Teddy was born, I was determined I was going to breastfeed despite there being a lot of people I know who had really struggled with it and had ended up switching to formula, or even decided to not opt for breastfeeding with their second child due to not being able to breastfeed with their first. I knew it would be tough and my first response to something difficult and unknown is to find out as much as possible about it. In the final few months before Teddy was born I poured over breastfeeding books and videos. But obviously, actually doing it yourself is a whole different ball game!

I actually find it quite difficult to talk (and even write) about the first few weeks of breastfeeding. It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done and I feel really emotional looking back. It seemed like it was going ok just after Teddy was born, he did the breast crawl and seemed to latch on straight away. I had a few people look at him latched on and was told it was fine (although the second time feeding him felt quite sore and I ended up with a blood blister). He even did 3 poops within 24 hours which felt like a sign to me that things were going ok. Then very quickly, they weren’t.

To summarise, within the first 3 days things suddenly went downhill very quickly. Although he *seemed* ok in himself (as far as I know a newborn should behave, etc), he had urates in his nappy, he lost 11% of his birth weight and didn’t poop for another week! I was finding positioning hard due to the ‘frog like’ legs breech babies can sometimes have and he was struggling to latch on. I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel and knew that if it was uncomfortable it was probably wrong so was therefore barely latching him on at all and thinking it was enough. And he was also quickly falling asleep on the breast and not really suckling. It took a long while for my milk to properly come in (I think it was about a week in the end) so that didn’t help either.

What I needed was someone to show me how to position and latch him. Someone to spend a bit of time with me so I could work out a few techniques and see what worked best for us. And time- time for that skin to skin and to truly work it all out.  I did get that help…eventually… which I am so grateful for. However, sadly, everyone’s initial reaction to the 11% weight loss on Day 3 was to panic and send us straight into hospital and start to pressure me to use formula which is really what I didn’t want or need. I felt like I hadn’t been given the support or the chance to really give it a go. Instead of getting that valuable skin to skin time, we were sent into the hospital to check if there are any issues, make sure he wasn’t dehydrated (he was fine) and I was trying to breastfeed him in a busy hospital with people around and finding it even more difficult and stressful. I was feeling bad enough as it was. My hormones were all over the place; I was extremely emotional. The stress certainly wasn’t helping with my bonding and encouraging the milk to come in. Even now I get this horrible feeling of guilt every time I think back to how I was basically starving him. He had been all safe and snug in my womb- every need catered for. All he had known was comfort. And then he is plunged into this harsh, cold world and he was seeking the comfort and food from me and he wasn’t getting enough. I cannot explain how awful it made me feel. And I know my loved ones always try and reassure me that it probably wasn’t like that, and things did get better, I did the best I could and he is ok, but I can’t shake that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling of guilt every single time I think about it. It really taints my memories of that first week with him.

I remember being ushered into a room away from the other patients due to Teddy being so young and unvaccinated, etc, and there were builders working on the room next door. It was noisy and the door had glass and they kept walking by and looking in. I was trying to feed Teddy and I was all clumsy and stressed and flustered and he wouldn’t stop crying. It was not what I imagined my first week with my newborn to be like at all.

We were sent to the hospital twice in that first week. Both times Teddy was briefly checked over, they decided he was fine with nothing preventing him from feeding and sent home. It was a pointless, stressful exercise. I knew that all I needed was some help with breastfeeding technique and it wasn’t until Day 4 or 5 that they sent over a midwife who specialised in breastfeeding who actually helped me. She showed me the rugby ball hold so his legs wouldn’t get in the way, what to look for to know he is latched on correctly and what to look for to know he is feeding correctly. I remember him audibly gulping and her telling me “look, there you can see- he is definitely getting something there!” And feeling so relieved and finally feeling like everything was clicking into place. I felt an improvement with his feeds straight away but, sadly, the midwives came and weighed him the very next morning and as he hadn’t put on weight yet (obviously, it had been less than 24 hours) that was when we were sent to hospital for our second trip. It felt so unfair, like we hadn’t been given a chance to spend time really making this work. I was put on a gruelling feeding plan for Teddy. Feeding him every 2-3 hours, pumping and topping up. It is only now I know that pumping so early on isn’t good as it is best to wait until you establish supply, but I was told at the time that I either do that or switch to formula and it felt like the better option. I was just non-stop feeding and pumping. I feel like a lot of that time taking Teddy in and enjoying those newborn moments was stolen from me as a result. I remember breaking down one evening because I had pumped the most I have ever managed (I think it was like 10ml or something) and James had accidentally lost it down the sink. I was distraught. It felt like the worst thing ever at the time.

Teddy was born on the Sunday and it wasn’t until the Saturday we were finally left alone and just had peace and quiet and the time alone to really try with the breastfeeding. We spent the entire weekend in bed (I binge watched so many shows) and low and behold in the space of a weekend, he had gone from losing to 12% of his birth weight to 6% and was back at birth weight by the Wednesday. Ultimately what I needed was the right support and time alone to suss it all out. What I didn’t need was instant pressure to switch to formula, hospital visits and constant stress about his weight.

It does upset me that I had so little support to breastfeed from some midwives and medical professionals. The pressure to switch to formula so quickly was awful. However, saying that, there is support out there but I don’t think there is enough awareness of where to find it. The midwife who helped me, Leah, was amazing. I was also sent to a clinic where the lady there was amazing and helped me further improve my latch. Anne, who ran my antenatal group, was fantastic- I sent her videos of Teddy feeding and she helped advise me and gave me reassurance. I had heard of Milk and You and contacted them and they were incredible as well. I went to see them and they further reassured me that everything looked well and it looked like he was latching on and feeding well. They are an amazing resource that I was so lucky to have found. I also followed some Instagram pages such as Kathyrnn Stagg IBCLC and thebreastfeedingmentor (Danielle Facey), and a wonderful FB group called ‘Breastfeeding and Lactation Support UK’ which really helped me build my confidence. I also remember on one particularly emotional evening, a girl from my PGCE course who I hadn’t really spoken to in a while had messaged me her congratulations and I was honest about how things were going. She told me that she had been in a similar position but ended up breastfeeding for 18 months. Her kind words and reassurance really helped in that moment.

Little did I know at the time, although initiating breastfeeding was by far the hardest part of my breastfeeding journey, there were plenty more challenges to come!

The Newborn Bubble

I am notorious for underestimating things- which surprises me as I am such a worrier! I always acknowledge what people say when they say something is hard- of course it will be, but I never quite realise exactly how hard it will be.

Everyone said teaching is really hard, yet I had no real idea when I embarked on my PGCE training course. Surprisingly, it hasn’t put me off and I have now been teaching for 10 years.

Everyone said puppies are really hard and I must have had some idea as knew it was best to time getting Toby with the summer holidays so I had more time to devote to him- but oh my god, when we got him, he was a such a whirlwind of trouble (although being in my first trimester with pretty bad morning sickness may have contributed to how tough it was).

And despite most people obviously trying to subtly tell me having a newborn is tough, I nodded and thought ‘of course it will be,’ but nothing at all can prepare you for taking that little bundle home, no midwives, just me, James and this tiny, delicate thing and thinking I now have full responsibility of raising this little human being- as if that wasn’t something I had even thought of before!

I don’t think anyone is truly prepared for how surreal that is. It is amazing and exciting but so, so scary. I suddenly felt entirely clueless, clumsy…unworthy, even.

Just holding him was a massive feat. Am I supporting his head enough? Can he breathe ok with how I have him? I’m not hurting him, am I?

Then comes the first time changing a nappy which was the smallest size and still gigantic on him. Teddy pooping the sticky tar poo just as I was in the middle of changing. Thinking I guess having poop, pee or sick on me is just going to be daily thing now- it most certainly is! Clumsily, sticking the tabs down, avoiding the umbilical cord, wondering if I have done it right. Awkwardly trying to manoeuvre each little limb into an oversized baby gro.

That first night, despite the exhaustion and fatigue from labour, I hardly slept. Have I put him to bed safely enough? What does that noise mean? Why does he make so many noises?  Is he hungry? He is moving around a lot, is he uncomfortable? Is he breathing? Now he is too still…

No-one told us he would be coughing up a ton of mucus left over from birth either, so we found ourselves frantically calling labour ward in the early hours in the morning only to be told that is perfectly normal.

Then came the night after night being a knock-on effect of no sleep as I wake for feeding and cuddling and Teddy quickly gets used to the idea that he much prefers sleeping on us than in his crib.

Struggling with breastfeeding (a whole other story) and feeling like I have failed him. Mixed messages and pressure to use formula. Wanting to stay strong and stick to my gut feeling that I can do this and will do this. Eventually getting the right kind of support and it finally clicking for both me and him.

Those long-quick, blurry days bleeding into nights where I would just hold him and look at his tiny features, listen to his tiny breaths, watching his eyelids flicker as he dreams and hardly daring to believe it is real… he is ours.

The grandparents came to see Teddy the day after he was born but then we had over a week where it was just the three of us. I am particularly glad of this time as I needed the space to work out the breastfeeding and when I was finally left alone by the professionals to just try it, it meant we could have those quiet days, the skin on skin, the days where we didn’t even get out of bed, the moments  I could just take him in- even though I still wish I could have so much more of that time. You always hear that the newborn phase goes so quickly. I wish I had spent less time worrying about things and more time just indulging in him. I wish I hadn’t felt this random need to return to normality so quickly and take him to see people or out to places. I now wish I had spent more time devoted to newborn cuddles because nothing quite beats a newborn cuddle. It feels like forever in the moment but really no time at all, and even though each new stage with my little boy is so exciting, I desperately miss him being that tiny and new.

Top 5 books to read when pregnant

 DISCLAIMER: I have always been a book worm and love to research and learn about new things so naturally, I gravitated towards pregnancy books, however I know that this style of learning isn’t for everyone and obviously nothing can truly 100% prepare you for the unknown of childbirth and raising your baby.

1.      Hypnobirthing: Practical Ways to Make Your Birth Better by Siobhan Miller

Has to take number one spot as it was my number one support during labour. I had heard people mention hypnobirthing before but assumed (as I think a lot of people do) it had something to do with hypnosis or was more for people who are into tarot and horoscopes and things like that- which I can be quite sceptical of.  Therefore, to be honest, I did purchase this book with some scepticism, however at the same time wanted to be open to all modes of childbirth and pain relief so I could make the best informed decision (as I really didn’t have a clue at all). The way the book is styled and written meant it was really easy to dip into it after a long, hard day at work and not feel like it was information overload. And almost as soon as I started reading, it totally made sense. I had gotten hypnobirthing entirely wrong. I forget how powerful the mind can be, particularly when it comes to pain, so it totally makes sense to mentally prepare (as well as physically) prepare yourself for birth as they both work hand in hand. I had always been quite frightened of the idea of childbirth pre-pregnancy (my only knowledge of it coming from dramatized shows and movies which definitely didn’t help at all) but when it came to actually giving birth (even knowing Teddy was breech and the potential risks surrounding a VBB) I felt that what I learnt from this book really helped to relax me, made me feel confident and capable, and meant I was able to give birth to Teddy without any pain relief. I made James read it as well and it felt wonderful to know he was on the same page as me. He even recorded some of the hypnobirthing tracks and affirmations for me (which are at the back of the book) so I could listen to them in the weeks leading up to Teddy’s due date.

2.      What to expect when you’re expecting by Heidi Murkoff

This book has a whole wealth of information and is broken down into months and trimesters so I felt like I could dip in and out of it as and when needed. I found it particularly exciting to read in the early months when not much is happening on the outside (despite a whole load of morning (all day) sickness) to read all of the wonderful things which are happening on the inside. I also found it useful for when anything cropped up during pregnancy that I did not know anything about or was unprepared for- I could use the index to find the information about most things. For example, I had no idea I was rhesus negative and what that meant regarding anti d injections, etc, and felt that I received very little information from the midwife I had at the time about it. I was really glad to find information in this book about it. It also had a page of ideas and strategies to help turn the baby if they aren’t in the ideal position which I used when I discovered Teddy was breech.

3.      Dogs, Bumps and Babies: Preparing your Dog for Life with your Baby by Aileen Stevenson

I found this book really useful in preparing Toby for Teddy’s arrival. This was crucial as I knew Toby was going to be very much still in puppy then adolescent mode whilst Teddy was still small. There are some excellent suggestions in this book which I think really helped. For example, playing baby crying sounds- starting off quiet and gradually building to louder and rewarding Toby for ignoring the sound has meant that from the very beginning he was not fazed by Teddy’s crying. Also playing baby sounds on my phone when wearing the sling/ in the baby carrier/ moses basket, etc and rewarding Toby for ignoring these objects meant that he was not interested in them at all. Taking Toby on walks with the pram before Teddy was born meant he got used to it really quickly. Those are just a few insights from the book that I found really useful, but there were plenty more.

4.      The Modern Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond by Marie Louise

Has some really good tips for the third trimester and preparing for birth (i.e. things like massaging your perineum to avoid tearing- the sort of stuff that no one really mentions or tells you about but can make a huge difference!).

5.      The Positive Breastfeeding Book by Amy Brown

Obviously this book is mainly useful if you do intend to breastfeed. This was my bible to all things breastfeeding pre-Teddy and during those first few months. Of course (and I quickly discovered this) you cannot learn how to breastfeed from a book. I read at least 4 books on breastfeeding, analysed the pictures, watched videos and I still really, really struggled the first few weeks. I just could not get it to the point where it was incredibly stressful and upsetting and Teddy actually lost a lot of weight in the first week- however, I feel this book is written in such a supportive way that even when I was finding it really, really, really tough and was just about to give up, I would read the section with advice on what to do if things are hard and it would really inspire and encourage me to carry on. I have now been exclusively breastfeeding Teddy for 8 months. There is also a list for partners in this book which gives them tons of ideas on how they can support their breastfeeding partner and make the experience somewhat easier. This is the best book I read on breastfeeding by far.

So that is my summary of the five books I found most helpful whilst I was pregnant with Teddy and I hope, if anyone reading this is looking for recommendations, that they find them useful too 😊

 

 

Advice I would give my pregnant self

1.      The first trimester is rough. I had really bad morning *all day* sickness which really impacted what food I could eat (hardly anything). It literally felt like torture because I was so hungry but just couldn’t eat-  also, don’t count on the morning sickness ending abruptly at 12 weeks- I remember waiting for the 12 week mark, excited to see the back of the sickness. And when it didn’t happen, I was so gutted and was worried I was going to feel sick forever. Fortunately, it did eventually subside at 16 weeks!

2.      There is a reason why people say ginger biscuits help with morning sickness. Listen to this, even though you don’t like gingerbread and are convinced they are just going to make you feel worse. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning if I didn’t eat from my stash of ginger biscuits in a tin next to my bed.

3.      It might not be the best idea to get a puppy when you are pregnant- granted, I did this completely by accident and I love Toby to bits, but morning sickness plus puppy poo is not the best combination.

4.      Use stretch mark oils/ cream early- I started using it pretty much as soon as I found out I was pregnant and I didn’t get a single stretch mark. I think it is mostly meant to be down to genetics, but I definitely feel like the oil made a big difference.

5.      Your best buy will be your pregnancy pillow. It was a god send throughout my pregnancy. I don’t know what I would have done without it. It is also gives you a perfectly good excuse to take up most of the bed. 

6.      There are some really cute (and useful) apps out there. Pregnancy+ shows you what your little one looks like at each stage and compares them to fruit, animals and sweets. There does come a point in the third trimester where the novelty wears off as the only change each week is that baby has gotten bigger, but in those early weeks when it feels like nothing is happening, there is actually so much going on inside and it is so fascinating- and when you can’t physically ‘see’ the pregnancy, it makes it feel all the more real.

7.      Picking a name is a lot harder than you think. And make sure you try it out with middle names and second names. It can surprise you what names really don’t work together, even if you think you love them. Picking a name is obviously a lot of fun too. We really loved ‘Baby Name Together’ which is like a baby name version of Tinder where you swipe and match the names you both like. We narrowed it down to a list of 5 names for a boy and a girl and ultimately chose Teddy’s name from this.

8.      If you can afford it, consider an early private scan. Seeing as you are paying, they feel much less rushed than the NHS ones and they really take their time with it. It is amazing (and reassuring) to see that tiny heartbeat, even though the baby somewhat resembles a small mushroom at this point. Alternatively, consider paying for a positioning scan in the third trimester so you have absolute confirmation of your baby’s position. If I hadn’t been sent for a growth scan, Teddy would have been an undiagnosed breech and I don’t know if I would have had the same knowledge and confidence to go through with a VBB and may have panicked and opted for a c-section in the moment.

9.      Don’t worry about the size of your bump! I had a small bump throughout pregnancy and almost felt like I was pretending to be pregnant throughout most of it as I didn’t look pregnant for such a long time. I was envious of the big, beautiful bumps I would see. However, in hindsight, I didn’t have nearly as much back pain and I didn’t find my third trimester as uncomfortable as I know others did. I was blessed with a cute, little bump, just right for me and I wish I had spent more time appreciating that and less time comparing my bump to others!

10.   Get your flu shot- for the first time ever, I did not catch a cold over the Christmas holidays. A major accomplishment for working in a school.

11.   Make the most out of the second trimester- it is true- it is the best one! We went on holiday during the first trimester as it fell during the summer holidays, however, I do think the second trimester would have been the perfect time as it was definitely when I felt my best. The baby had started kicking, I was rocking a little bump, I had this renewed energy after weeks of throwing up. It is the perfect time to start ticking things off your to do list.

12.   Although I do think the second trimester is the prime time for a babymoon, don’t be afraid to go in your first trimester. I was so anxious about going away as was worried about my morning sickness, especially with travelling, and that I wouldn’t enjoy the holiday- although, yes, I did feel sick most days, it was much better feeling poorly in a beautiful setting with time to chill and relax than feeling rubbish back at home.

13.   Spend more time in the moment- especially when baby is kicking. One of my best memories of being pregnant is at my mum and dad’s van. We had just taken our dog, Toby, for his first time at the beach and he was lying snoring at my feet. I was resting after the long walk and Teddy decided to have a right dance party in my belly. It was the first time I had seen the kicks visibly moving my belly and it was lovely knowing that he was there with us too.

14.   Get your dog ready for the baby. As well as taking Toby training, we also played baby crying sounds. I carried a cuddly toy in the sling and put it in the car seat with the crying sound playing. Toby is totally unfazed by the baby crying now. We also practised walking Toby with the pram so he could get used to that too.

15.   Siobhan Miller’s Practical Ways to Make your Birth Better was the best thing I read throughout my entire pregnancy. It helped me reframe my fears around pregnancy and supported me in feeling really positive about what was to come. It enabled me to visualise the birth I wanted to have and even though Teddy’s birth didn’t quite match that, it gave me a really good sense of what I knew I did and didn’t want.

16.   Antenatal classes can be empowering. I wasn’t aware of how much choice I actually had when it came to birth, and how it important it is to be informed, until I attended the antenatal classes. And I do feel that they contributed to both James and I being able to have the vaginal breech birth that I wanted.

17.   Try and exercise as much as you can as it can make you feel stronger and have more stamina for birth. Join a class, if you can. I started aquanatal classes after Christmas and absolutely loved them. It also enabled me to get to know other people who were pregnant and due around the same time as me, and I felt I had a lot of support from the group when I found out Teddy was breech- helping me do handstands in the pool in hopes of turning Teddy, etc.

18.   Massage your perineum! Enough said- trust me, this is an important one!

19.   Invest in a birthing ball- great way to exercise at home, super comfy, massively helped me keep active and upright during labour and (although unsuccessful) was also useful to have when I was trying to turn Teddy.

20.   Do a pregnancy shoot- I didn’t get enough pictures of my bump, so it was the perfect opportunity to get some nice ones.

21.   As you approach your due date, make and freeze some meals- you will be grateful that you did this the first few weeks after baby is born. I was making and freezing a lasagne whilst having contractions the day before Teddy was born! Oddly, I remember that I kept thinking my fingernails smelt of garlic as I was giving birth to Teddy and was worried that would be the first thing he would smell…

22.   Allow yourself to slow down- especially in the third trimester. You will never get this time again.

23.   No they aren’t Braxton Hicks- they are the real thing…

24.   Don’t be embarrassed to record your labour. I didn’t intend to take any pictures or videos of the birth but I am so glad I decided to at the end. There is a wonderful video of James and I meeting Teddy for the first time that I know I will treasure forever.

25.   Go with your gut- you are so much stronger than you think!!!